So Hendricks comes charging into my house the other day, in a greater rush than usual, and blurts out to me “why do you have so many cars in your driveway?!  Everytime I come there’s a different car out there!”

I’m like, calm down, deep breath, what are you talking about.

“There are 3 cars in your driveway today.”

“umm, no there’s not.  there are two, right?  One is the neighbor chick’s car, which i told ‘em is cool, the other is chelsea’s… there are three?”

“well, yeah, yours.”

“but mine’s in the garage. that doesn’t count.”

“whatever.  There’s always a different car.  I’m waiting for one day when as I come, some chick is leaving.  we’ll cross paths.”

“okayyyyyyy (have I been cheating on him??).  I mean, chelsea is in the other room, if you want to go see her.”

“just forget about it.”

silly silly hendricks.  I’m glad he thinks so highly of my pimpish abilities (we won’t tell him that I don’t actually have any).  Speaking of him, I apparently agreed to letting him use my house for his brother’s bachelor party… literally months ago we had a conversation about it.

So yeah, now instead of a quiet saturday night of work, I’m having a bachelor party here for a guy I’ve met once, complete with strippers (no complaints here).

Today I got a phone call from one of the “professional entertainers” to confirm directions, rules, etc.  It was probably one of the oddest conversations I’ve ever had in my life.

“Hi Jason, you got a pen to write some things down that I need you to get?”  oh boy, this should be fun.

“Here’s what I need:  two cans of spray whipped cream, do NOT get a tub of cool whip.  I also need strawberries, a blanket you don’t care about, and any 2 chairs.  Do you have that stuff there?”

(me, thinking… quickly…ish): “well, yeah.  I of course have all of that here.  Save for the chairs.  I didn’t realize I’d need to have chairs in my house.  I’ll go buy some tomorrow.”

this obviously threw her off, as I didn’t say it jokingly.  but she paused, then moved on to business.  her next line was pretty blunt:

“I will not give you a blow job.”

whew, glad that’s out of the way.  I guess I should’ve said you’re fired, but I think I was too stunned to say much of anything.  She then said that she wouldn’t be blowing anyone (sorry parm!), and that I need to tell everyone there to be respectful before they got here and to not even ask.  I can’t wait to have that conversation.

“Hi guys, my name is jason, this is my house, and no one will be blowing you tonight.”

This party is going to need some massive, massive help.  Eric is all straight edge and shit and was asking me, the (recovering, never recovered!) alcoholic about drinks and shit.  I myself have told him not to rely on me to liven things up, as I’ll be working in another room… but I can at least try to help him plan.  So I ask what his brother likes to drink.

“well, he likes southern comfort.  oh, and lime.  southern comfort and lime.”

“ok, soco & lime.  got it.  what else?”

“what else?”

“yeah, what else.  what kind of beer?  You can’t just give the kid shots of soco all night.  that will suck, and get messy.”

“well, I was thinking of heineken.”

“why, are you going to be plucking your eyebrows all night and talking about how hot dudes are?”

“well, no.  it’s just that his favorite color is forest green and all…”

“you have to be fucking kidding me.”

Me, this party, the bachelor…. they’re all soooooooooo fucked.

Oh man.  You know how you’re never supposed to shop hungry at a grocery store?  Well I did one better and shopped hungry online.  $370 of Peapod later, and my kitchen is covered in groceries.

Did I really need 6 different kinds of instant chinese noodle meals?  Or bags of chocloate candies (nearly all containing almonds… can’t explain that one)?

Of course they were just as bad as the cable company, and instead of arriving between 6 and 8pm, they got here at 9.  After putting away all that food, I was so hungry that I went to Wendy’s.  ha.

*

last night while working one of my 18 hours in front of the computer a day, I got lost in one of those wikipedia strings.  I saw a story on cnn.com about jupiter being scarred from something hitting it.  This of course led to an extensive research trip to wiki on Jupiter (always been a space nerd ever since I got my Tang map as a kid), which then linked to a story about about a comet crashing into Jupiter, which then led to me reading up on comets.  That was then followed up by me searching the internets for “when is the next comet I will be able to see.”  This somehow led to the brightest comets of the past century.  Which then led me to Comet Hale-Bop.  And then to reading up on the Heaven’s Gate cult and watching their videos on youtube.  creepy.

So from Jupiter to a cult.  pretty darned good if I say so myself.

*

congrats to my dads (do you say dads like u say “moms” to be urban?) who got a bangin’ new ridiculously high paying job with the government.  oy vey.  “bangin.”  I have definetly been around Chelsea too much.  Odds I can switch her over to “rad” and “tubular?”

*

I was supposed to test out the elbow today.  But surprise surprise, “f’n Hendricks” (my pet name for him) called out on me.  All for the best I suppose since I’m delaying the inevitable of hurting myself.  again.

I’m totally looking like a robot these days with all the shit I have strapped to BOTH arms to alleviate the stress on the elbows.  And thanks to shitty inventory management at the doc office, none of the crap matches, so I look like a beat up junker robot with spare parts. 

I do get a kick of putting all the crap on and walking around going “beep.  beep.  take me to your leader.”  And then I take myself to my leader.  Parmesan.

If you haven’t watched SYTYCD yet, just skip the first hour.  trust me.  Hour two was amazing… especially the breast cancer thing (and yeah, i too at first was like “wtf… breast cancer theme??”)… oh, and the zombies.  oh and battlefield.  oh just watch the 2nd hour.  I didn’t cry too much at the tit cancer thing.  swears.  (oh)

(and don’t forget tix go on sale for SYTYCD this saturday for the tour.  not that I’ll actually get mine thru ticketmaster, but it’s always fun to try.  I can probably get some as rewards for the studio kids)

so I’ve started taping everything this summer just to have something to watch.  New favs are definetly Big Bang Theory, and Rules of Engagement.  My mondays are gonna be full.

also added to the fall list this year are newcomers Flash Forward, and Glee (shuddup).

and funny how I blogged see you in september, and yet I’ve rattled off posts more frequently than ever before.  I’m sure that will change as hell week(s) start this weekend with work.

best.  hell’s kitchen.  ever.

“I ain’t no bitch!” lol

So I learned what NOT to say to the doctor.

I had yet another appointment with my surgeon yesterday about ye ol’ arm… and it was supposed to be at 11.  Well they didn’t stick me into that little room until 11:15, and then over half an hour later he finally barged in, Physician’s Assistant in tow.

I’m taking the wait in stride (thank you awesome new games that came installed on my phone), and gave him a “hey there!  thought you forgot about me! haha”

oops.

he shot me a glare like he wanted to just rip my arm off to solve my problems, and then cooly said “no.”

Realizing I pissed him off, i tried to keep up being jovial and said how I noticed it was extremely busy out there, yada yada yada.  He wasn’t buying it, and instead kept interrupting me and tugging on my elbow.  He literally did two things… one where i had to pull his fist (not his finger), and then he dug into my elbow with his fingers saying “this used to kill you, now he doesn’t hurt as much”… and without even waiting for me to wince “no” he left the room.

so i asked the PA, am I supposed to follow him?  He was like, I guess.  and so i went out to find him writing something on my chart.  and I’m still shooting questions at him, like can I start to work out again?  I still feel some pain my elbow, is this normal?

dr deuche just said “yeah, you’re fine.  we don’t even need a followup.”  and with that, he thrust the paperwork into my hands, and dipped (urban alert!).

so yeah, I KNOW that everything isn’t fine, I’m just in less pain… but I’m gonna try to work through it anyways.  Which means, in about two days after I start working out upper body again you’re gonna see a post from me entitled “I’m Broken Again.”

was chattin’ up with the moms today… and she gives me horrible news.  She was watching a show where you called in asking for advice from a vet.  And this one old lady calls in and says that she has an 8 year old Pomeranian… and she’d like to know that since he’s so old, is it too late to get him fixed.

the vet’s reply:  “oh no.  8 years old is extremely young for a pomeranian.  They live a long long time, much longer than most dogs.”

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.

Mine is like, 2.  or something.  maybe 3 this year?  oy vey.

so the little bastard did his usual between 10 and 11am poop this morning (at least he gives me warning now… in addition to just, well, going at the same time every day).  so it’s 8pm, and i’ve ignored him all day since I was busy working…. okay, more like going out to lunch and doing little work… still.  anyways, I figured I’d take him for a nice long walk, to get some of the energy out of him.

and then it happened.  he exploded.  I mean, we’re talking a shit that normally if it was his one for the day, i’d be like “wow, what did you eat dude?  that’s a ton of shit!  good boy.”

wipe the ass, give him his cheerios, and we’re good.

but then on the way back, the hairball paused, winked at me (i swear), and then hunched over and shat again.  a LOT again.

and of course, since he already went once today, I didn’t have a little baggie with me to scoop it up… so i was all  ”come on dude, finish up, we gotta go!”, like we just stole something.

i didn’t think it was possible, but the dog outshit me today.

I just got done watching a 2 hour show of SYTYCD in one hour.  perhaps less.  Unheard of in the past few seasons.  but now, you chop out all the commercials (30 mins) and the opening bit (8 mins… because that whore won’t say “joooges” anymore).

So there’s 38 minutes there.  And then tonight, you had that God awful Windbag black ballet (or whatever her specialty is) biatch, and I got an easy 20 minutes back there.  I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if they put her and Lil’ C on the same judges panel.  Oh wait, I can.  1 hour and 58 minutes of them using big words in run-on sentences, and 2 minutes of actual dancing.

Sadly, I don’t even listen to Mary Murphy anymore.  Same shit, different week.

“Two First Class Tickets!!!”

“ALL ABOARD!!!”

“Hot Tamale train!!!!”

f’n blow me.  I only give her a listen on the ballroom crap, or if someone has done horribly horribly bad and you want to see them get their hearts ripped out even more.

speaking of blowing, this year’s “I’m madly in love with you” pick is Janette (Miami salsa chick).

surprisingly, the top dude for me (in an im-not-madly-in-love-with-you kinda way) might be Ade… or aday, or atomorrow, or whatever the F his name is.  followed probably by brandon… my preseaon fav.  don’t say i don’t like black people.

and oh yeah, i ran today.  my right lung seems to have a problem with that.

I see that my live twitpic’ing (tweetpic’ing?) didn’t go so well.  I guess the pearl and/or verizon decided to eat a few photos.  At least I got the chuck back up on jasoncam (and posed appropriately).

I’m still mad that the verizon guy peeled off all of the protective stickers on the phone as he was setting it up. 

so anyways it’s july 15th; which means work has finally “started” again.  Which means there will be nothing of any interest happening in these parts for a while.  like 4-to-6-weeks while.  so pardon the dust and boredom.  I seriously doubt you’ll want to hear lame stories about how I’m starting to run again today (for real, God help me).

Maybe I’ll let Parm guest blog here and there.

(and yes, kudos to the one of you that noticed I used the same blog title on a previous version of jasoncam years ago, describing the likely lack of updates due to work this time of year)

check the twitpic tonight as I’m going to be updating (live haha) as the party goes on.  or so i hope.  you know me and promises.

also speaking of texting in my previous post, for some reason my new phone whenever I try to type “Cya,” it defaults to posting “Cyanide.”  so yeah, my bad if you got one of those and were like wtf.

Busy busy week at the Parmesan household.  What was supposed to be my final chill week before work picks up was instead home improvement week.  I finally had four lights put up in my bedroom, with two switches (one at the head of the bed so I don’t have to turn off stupid lamps anymore) on dimmers!

Add to this having Chelsea (whom parm still isn’t used to yet) cleaning like a mad woman, and you have quite the week for the little furball.  he must’ve had flashbacks to a year ago when the addition was being done and workers were in here 24/7.

So yeah, you are probably dying to know what new phone I got.  Well, remember that I absolutely HATED that Crackberry Pearl Drunk phone… so this time I went with the brand new:

blackberry flip pearl.

yeah, that’s the ticket.  so much better.  i pray.  really learned me a lesson didn’t i? (complete with smooth surfaces for the moths… see comments a couple posts down)

so far so good.  no deleted texts as far as I know.

speaking of texts… how about this exchange that I had with the dude doing my lights:

him:  Jul 7, 2009 9:29:09 PM   Do you have a ladder at your house?
me: Jul 7, 2009 9:37:21 PM   Yes. Though you’ll probably be on my bed?
him: Jul 7, 2009 9:38:52 PM   LOL you hittin on me Jason?

color me rainbows.