been putting up full sized movie teaser posters at Lamz for our big November workshop.  while the big unveil will be next week, I think the 2nd one kinda lets the cat outta the bag… assuming you’ve watched the show.

Teaser Number One

Teaser Number Two

figured it out yet?

Well, I knew it was only a matter of time.  my right arm is all busted up again…  At least I had a good month or so of “normal” before the not-from-golfing golfer’s elbow flared up again.  with a vengeance.  this time i have the full blown symptoms, and can’t pick up or carry a thing (I can’t even support Parm with it).

so with my last resort being accupuncture, I had my first appointment this past thursday.

quack alert.

first off, the appointment was over 2 hours long (eeks!).

the guy is nice enough and all, but man, it’s just weird.  The first hour or so we talked about what all was wrong with my body, how I live, work, eat… and shit (no problems there!).  we spoke at length about my lack of sleep (4 to 6 hours a night, since… forev).  I suggested that I need to get one of those sleep studies done and one of them machines you hook up at night.

he interrupts and says “you think that machine will help you?” the EXACT same way in the Matrix that Morpheus says to Neo “You think that’s air you’re breathing?”

guess not.

from there it’s time for me to strip, down to just sweat pants, and lay on his table.  Continuing the homo-erotic theme, he straight up holds my hands, one at a time, and takes my pulse.  He tells me that there are 6 different pulses on each wrist, corresponding to 6 different organs.

yeaaaaaaaaaahh.

after all this, he lights up an incense stick and blows it out.  things are about to get weird(er).

he then holds it above several different spots on my fingers and toes, getting closer and closer.  I have to tell him when it starts to burn me (!!!).  he is gauging my “chi.”

I survive the burning, and he survives touching my extremely tickleish feet.

he then decides to break the news to me.

“I give you 8 years.”

wtf?!

“8 years… maybe 12.  you might make it to when you’re 45… but I doubt it.  yeah, 8 years is about right.”

panic.

he pauses to let this sink in… then elaborates.  “You will make it 8 years or so with your current lifestyle… and then everything will break down at once.  All of these problems first surfaced with your lower back pain, followed by major joints such as the knee and elbows… and it also explains your inability to sleep for long periods of time.”

“You need to make some lifestyle changes with regards to work.  The constant state of anxiety you face daily… something needs to change.”

well, at least he didn’t say I was going to die in 8 years.  I’m a little dumbfounded, and just nod along in agreement, peppering in a few “uh-huhs” and “sures” to placate him.  I’m just here for my elbow… spare the life lectures.  stick needles in me and let’s get this over with.

finally, it’s needle time.  we start with my back.  I don’t really feel a thing, aside from the last one he puts in on my baby love handle.  that does not bode well.  10 minutes of laying awkardly on my side, and it’s over.

“what would you like to focus on today?  your back, your knee, your…”

“the knee,” I blurt out.

i sort of knew what I was getting into with accupuncture… so it was no real shock to me that we actually didn’t focus on my right elbow whatsover.  I had read something about opposite sides, so away we went.

He stuck needles in my LEFT elbow.  hitting nerves as he went, causing me to jump.  These you could feel.  his only instruction was “if you feel one burning or tingling for more than a few seconds, let me know and I’ll adjust it.”  One came close.  real close.

and then, as it would only make sense to a guy who has studied chinese accupuncture his whole life, he then focused on my left knee… ya know, to help my right elbow.

These managed to hurt a bit more.  One in particular.  I swear one was stuck in my tendon, and inquired as such.  I got a hearty “no, it’s not in your tendon… that’s your Chi BROTHER!”

fantastic. apparently my accupuncturist is now channeling Hulk Hogan.

I will say this… he had me trying to pick up a heavy book with my right arm and curl it.  And as he adjusted the needles, it actually became easier.  holy shit i’m a believer.  for at least the next 5 minutes.

He’s explaining to me chinese medicine versus western medicine.  western (read:  normal) meds focus on the fact that my tendons are inflamed, and they are supposed to reduce the swelling.  Chinese meds try to release the inflamation, versus western meds pushing the problem further into my body.

I couldn’t resist.  I had to ask.  “You believe that my tendon is actually inflamed?  wait, you actually believe there are tendons in my arm, right? right?!”

this gets a chuckle.

after 10 minutes of this, the appointment was over.  we book again for this next tuesday.  because I’m supposed to see him twice week for the next month, then once a week, then once every two weeks, etc etc… until these little needles cure everything in my body.

as soon as I leave the office, the pain all comes washing back over me.  but at least I slept like a baby that night.