I want to thank all the weathermen (and women) for almost getting me killed 18 times yesterday.

I guess it was an ominous sign when I took the rat out to do #1 & 2 yesterday morning before heading out, and a lone snowflake drifted down before my eyes.  No worries though, cuz I had to hit a couple different banks and then drop off something at Lamz.  It was only supposed to be A) a light dusting, or B) maybe 2 to 3 inches, but not til the afternoon.

After bank number one, I headed down to pasadena, and it was suddenly blizzard-like conditions.  This was at 10:30am.  Bank two involved one turn off a major highway, and up and then down a hill.  I almost deposited my car in their lobby.

Please remember that my car sucks ass.  It’s backwheel drive, and a monster engine.  That means rain is even a problem.  Throw in a nice powdery snow that sticks immediately because it’s negative 15 f’n degrees outside, and I’m screwed.

So I got to Lamz, and by this time it’s really starting to come down.  I checked the forecast again, and they reiterated it was only gonna be at most a couple inches.  I even saw a couple salt trucks sitting by the sides of the road ready to go.

By this time it’s 11am when I get there, and I slid sideways into the parking spot.  Instead of being smart and dropping off a couple things and heading home, I thought it best to wait it out.  I mean, by 2pm they’d have the roads all salted and clear right?  right??  I drive all major roads home (100 and 97), and those would have to be touched first.

So 2:30 comes, and it looks like shit out.  snow everywhere, still coming down, and I have no choice but to venture home.

I survived mountain road, and feel glad I’m approaching route 100.  A pretty major road in these parts.  I get to 100… and it’s the same.  Just a couple packed down tire tracks to slide along in.  I had my own Winter Olympics Luge event.

But I manage.  I breathe a sigh of relief as I approach 97, because no way in hell that hasn’t been touched.  oh sooooo wrong I was.  Even worse, as I start to merge into 97 (which only had one passable lane), there was an accident up ahead.  at the top of a hill.  right before my exit.

and my nightmare comes true.  People stopped.  If I don’t keep the car going with some momentum, I’m stuck.  With no choice, the morons in front of me all come to a halt, and I’m forced to follow.  They start to go… and I don’t.

I sat there and spun.  and spun.  and spun.  I made marginal progress.  and we’re literally talking an inch at a time.  I flipped on my hazards as people behind me were stacking up.  Yeah, I got to be THAT GUY.

I even started rocking back in forth in my seat.  Like that was gonna help.

Inch, by inch, I slowly crept forward.  I almost gave up about 5 times.  I took my seatbelt off twice to get out and ask the cop & towtruck there for the other accident for a hand.

After about 5 to 10 minutes of this (seriously!) I crested the hill and then the car learched forward as it grabbed on to what little traction it could find.

Thank God that for some reason, the airport loop was clear (well, you could at least see the tire tracks to follow were no longer white, but tinted dark from the road peeking out below).

I stupidly took a small side road to get to my house rather than taking a slightly larger, flatter one.  Mistake.  I got halted at a red light that was, you guessed it, on an incline.  I spun again, but not as bad as on 97, and made it through.  It was kinda funny though watching people completely avoid my car and keep their distance.  They were just waiting for me to wipe out.  I just knew the conversations in their vehicles were “There he goes there he goes!! awwwww, damn.  thought for sure he lost it that time.”

I even thought about ditching the car at this point and walking home, but I slid on.

I had no vision of even attempting to get up my driveway.  So as I carefully slid around the turn, I pointed my car to block my driveway.  I got pretty close, and eased the break a little bit.  The car skid to the right, finally coming to a rest as it slammed into the curb.

but i was home.  safe & sound.  I have now decided to buy some used 4wd vehicle to tool around in.  I’ve had it with taking the beamer out in this crap.

But it could’ve been worse.   You could have been like my dad who tried to go down his (steep) driveway, and end up almost launching yourself into a ravine:

don’t worry, he was fine.  just a little (or lot) pissed.  Bonus partial shot of a wiener dog checking out the damage!

I am in posession of the FIOSes.  Fastness.  You can tell by how much more quickly you are able to read this.

I got the uber eXtreme HD package, complete with two multi-room DVRs (which means no more running to the bedroom and vice versa to watch shows)… as well as two regular boxes, and one other digital box with a guide for the guest bedroom… just in case brandifer wants to come live with me for another eleven (not twelve) days.

I totally annoyed the guy installing, since I am still keeping FraudStripe analog cable and the cable modem service (100% writeoff for all that shit now that it’s a backup).  Normally they just piggyback on the existing wiring, but he had to put all new stuff in.  sorry sucka.

but alas, I am sad.  I miss the ease of the fraudstripe channel layout.  200s were movies, 400s were hd (although only like 40 channels).

now I have a quadrillion more channels (you have to put four digits in to change the channel!! geez), with no real rhyme or reason in how they’re set.  Nearest I can figure is like 510s is the major networks, and then 800s to 900s are the smattering of HD channels.  I think.

I am screwed though when it comes to email.  For some reason none of my outgoing emails will work, not even the new verizon one.  So I can receive shit all day, just not get back to anyone.  I’m reduced to using the jasoncam gmail account if you’re important enough to get a reply.

Dbag installer couldn’t figure out my ADT either… so I lived in fear last night without an alarm, huddled and rocking in a corner.  Thank you for not breaking into my house last night.  Alarm issues were fixed today (at the rate of $150 first hour, $32 every 15 minutes thereafter)… and I even got a new code to type in.  No more 1234 easy access here thieves!

and crap, I have to put in all my DVR recordings again.  This is gonna take a while….

fair warning, this is a dog post.  so if reading about my 3 year old furry kid ain’t your thang, then quit now.

took parm to the neighbor’s sunday to watch the games.  and they have this new cat.  an evil evil cat.  no lie, just ask them.  after being unnamed for months, I guess they finally settled on Simon.  Simon Pita.  I’m not kidding when they were thinking of naming him Adolf cuz he was so mean.

Adolf Simon beats the shit out of everyone.  he likes no one.  You can get 5 pets in before the claws come out and he tries to bite you.  needless to say, he’s not a fan of parmesan.  I worry that the ratdog is going to leave missing an eye everytime I go over.

so i’m sitting on the floor in the living room near the cat, catching up with joan & ken.  parm for some reason doesn’t see the cat and gets too close.  oh the hissss and noise that came out of that confrontation.  it scared me half to death.  parm had an “of fuck” expression if that’s even possible for a dog, and ran for his life.

later we’re all downstairs watching the games, and I asked, “anyone seen parm?”  hmmmm, no dog.  so i go upstairs…. and no dog.  Joan starts to look for him.  well…. we found them.  he had wandered off to their bedroom.  and was stuck.  when we found him, he was laying on the far side of the room, ears tucked, and afraid to move.  Simon was sitting, blocking the exit.  Joan rescued a now super duper happy puppy.

at this point, some time between this experience, dinner, and the next game, Clark “Parmesan” Kent must’ve found a phone booth in their house.  As we were watching the second game, Evan was petting the devil cat, and of course, the cat got pissed and dug his claws into him.  As he grimaced and tried to remove the cat attached to his leg, Super Parm came sprinting across the room to save the day.

He went after, and I mean AFTER, Lex “Simon” Luthor with the intent to kill and protect his “Laser Light” (it’s a game) buddy.  Barks, attempts to bite… you name it, he tried it.  I had to grab him in his new found courageous moment of glory.  After that, the cat wasn’t a problem anymore.  When parm went over to him again, it was like a cartoon.  There was a puff of smoke, and the cat was gone, fleeing the scene.

Good dog.

* And just when he has his shining moments, there are, well, these.  I took him for an R-I-D-E (in case he’s reading this).  Every other time in his existance, I open up the driver’s side door, and he jumps in, and moves over.

Keep in mind this is his routine.  The seat is always to the right and he jumps up on it.  3 years he’s done this.

For no good reason, I let him in the passenger side door yesterday.  Of course, with the seat now on his left, he jumps up and high to the right… and for lack of a better word, splats on the floormat.

I won’t be doing that again.

* read this far?  how about something non-dog related.  You know you have a shopping problem when this happens:

same day I was at neighbor’s, as I walk in, they say “you know the Best Buy in Glen Burnie is closing and moving right?”

I said, yeah, they called me.

“They called you?”

well now I feel like an ass.  They had read it in the paper or something.  Turns out Best Buy did call me, and talked to me (not automated but a real live person) just to tell me that they were closed mon thru thurs, and to come friday for an exclusive two hour event for invited guests… and to see if I had any questions.

time to scale back on the best buy shopping.

I rolled into “work” this morning at the studio and have my seat behind the desk… and notice a pile of clothes.  One of my (male) teachers has this habit of coming in and stripping down before class.  Right there.  Behind the Desk.  Every time.

So Brandee moves the pile, and I see his belt.  I look at Bran and say, no way in hell could I pull off wearing that belt.

This of course leads to “let’s try.”  I happen to be sporting the Jasoncam shirt that Brandee had made for me for my birthday, and I’d been wanting to mention it here… sooooooooooo, let’s kill two birds with one stone and put up some fancy smancy pictures!

I slid on I-Love-You-Will’s blingy belt, and sporting my best pouty-face webcam pose (complete with a week’s worth of non-shaving dirt on my face from being buried behind a computer all week) and wa-lah!:

simply put, THE sexiest photo ever of me. And sadly, only downhill from here.

pouty face alert! You are checking out the belt and the awesomely cool "100% more urban" shirt... right?

smushing my lips together makes it look like I have a caterpillar on my mouth and check out that "vo-lump-ulous" butt, as per B.

never embarassed to put up craptacular photos of myself, I am.

* i planned on taking a break from the grind tonight and figured I’d watch The Hangover (true hollywood story of Jasoncam?).  So I get an error on the PS3 about needing to update.  Apparently they’ve changed the encryption (or so it tells me) on the newest blu-rays.

So all I have to do is connect the ps3 to the internets, and download the latest firmware.  simple.

only it’s been downloading the update for the past 55 minutes as I write… and it’s only 47% done.  sucks ass.  so much for a movie break.

* Felt like a real superstar tonight as I was wrapping my mom’s bday gifts… in Christmas wrapping paper.

I’m a boy, so what does she expect?

the wrapping job was far from fantastic, seeing as to it’s 11:30pm as I’m typing this, and I just finished putting in a 14 hour work day.  So what did Mom get this year?  A crappy dvd of some kids movie that just came out, a dachshund coffee table photo book, dachshund dish towels (noticing a trend yet?), and yard/lawn statue thingy of a (guess what?) dachshund lifting its leg and peeing on something.

Parm got her a gift card to Dicks.

sporting goods.

I figure he can get away with giving her the “get in shape” gift.

out of all this, her favorite thing is going to be the wienergnome.  Moms *sigh*

* hooray for peapod coming tomorrow.  I’ve been remiss in shopping for groceries since I was in and out of town, and spending most nights at the studio with easy access to subway.

I think the wakeup call for me was when I scrounged around the kitchen and ended up having a bag of marshmellows for lunch the other day.  yeah.  that would do it for anyone.

So let’s see what $425 worth of groceries does to my fridge and freezer tomorrow (why so much?  fiji water is expensive )… along with the belly.

* OH! OH!  FIOS is coming!!!!

*Got to see the Ws, among others, at a 30th bday this weekend.  Apparently I am supposed to post my thoughts on the finale of SYTYCD last year.  my bad.  so here goes some random thoughts, in absolutely no particular order:

- I hate Russell.
- Russell is Jesus.  Did you notice the miracle cure to his busted up knee at the end when he started jumping up and down, and then brought gangbangers on the stage to thank?
- Jakob should’ve won.
- Russell ruined the finale with his injury (nothing like watching reruns of dances they did, ohhh, the show before).
- Fox ruined the entire season by cramming everything into about 2 hours of television, with a whopping 6 dancers in the finale.  Maybe next year it’ll just be auditions, and then a top 10 finale??  stupid shits.
- NO TOUR!  granted, this eases my pocketbook, but it sure screwed the top 10.  Now we get some of our “favorite” (read: Pope Russell) on tour with the season 7 cast.
- Jennifer Lopez. ugh.  you’re old, get over it.  your once fine ass has now gelled with the rest of torso.
- Kathryn I Still Love You!!

Happy Mrs. W?

*Pants On The Ground indeed.  Mercifully (not even bothering to spellcheck that… looks right), American Idol is down to an hour per episode this week, or at least was last night.  So sick of auditions.  I gave up on Biggest Parmesan this season.  2 hours of boring fat people on DVR each week was taking up too much space.  there’s a pun in there somewhere.

both dvrs were at 80+% heading into last weekend, and I had to do some much needed honoring of MLK Monday to catch up to where I could record shit this week.  Recording Star Trek the Next Generation every morning at 1am on WGN probably isn’t the brightest idea.

* I have the wiener in my posession.  My Mom’s bday is tomorrow (Happy Birthday even though you’re never going to read this!), but she has to fast for a doctor’s appointment the next day.  Since I have nothing better to do but work, I took her a day early so they can scoot out to dinner tonight.  Good son, yup yup.

Sadly, she has done nothing so far but lay on a bed in the office and fart.  awful awful farts at that.

* And yes, go election results.  I purposely watched the left wing MSNBC channel last night just to watch Keith Olberman report that a republican had won the senate seat.  Suck it you (in the words of a Bechtel) douche!

Poor Parm feels like a nomad.  He again had to spend the weekend with Isabella, as I was at the Grand Hyatt in DC for the LAMZ competitive team.

The little guy has had a rough few weeks… spending time with my rents at the tail end of December while I was in Florida, and again from Friday thru Sunday.  It got worse for him as I took him to Petsmart yesterday to get his nails trimmed.

His nails were so bad that one of his “thumb” ones had grown into a complete circle.  bad jason. bad.

But don’t feel too bad for him, as he will always get the last bark.  Thanks to no more nails clacking around on the hardwoods, Parmesan has turned into a straight up Ninja.  You combine an already crafty/sneaky dog with just pads for feet, and now he just stands behind me waiting for me to turn around.  He’s like “boo motha fucka!  leave me again bitch!  i dare ya!”

so i’m gonna at some point do the new years resolution post.  it’s like pulling teeth now to just get this one up, so you can look for that one in like June or something.  And did I mention that busy season for me starts…. now?

Until the next time.  Parm be with you.

I’m back (ok, been back). I learned that you should never, ever watch a sasha baren cohen or whatever his name is on a flight. I decided to take in Bruno, and boy was that a mistake. The number of dick shots in that movie is just scary. I paused it just after I started watching it as the flight attendant came around asking if I wanted a drink. Of course, the image paused was of two dudes banging in doggie style. embarassing.

It was cold as shit in florida. A couple days (like the first and next to last) it hit 70… but one night it got down to 37. Felt like I was back in Maryland all over again (which was exactly NOT the point).

I shot a quick vid of the insane hotel room I had:

spoiled I am. We also did the Universal VIP tour… just us and a tour guide. Immediate front of the line access thru all the back channels, not to mention other cool little things if you’ve ever been there before. Our guide has been around for about a billion years and told all kinds of stories about celebs. We got to go to the soundstages and see all the behind-the-scenes stuff like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons, and the room where they screen stuff for directors (she kept telling us about tiger woods being there for his commercials… maybe she hadn’t been paying attention to the news??).

My highlight was the dirt on Helen Hunt and Jeff Bridges at the Twister thingy… and then when everyone left the “ride,” we got to hang around afterwards and watch everything get put back together (assuming of course you’ve actually seen it, you’ll get what I mean).

I am never ever setting foot in any theme park again unless I have a guide. It’s balls expensive, but soooo worth it. We hit every (worthwhile) attraction in 8 hours. I can’t imagine how it would’ve gone if we’d just used the fast passes. And yes, jason rode the Mummy coaster. helps that I can’t see where the hell I’m going.

So Happy New Year and all that stuff. Debating doing my annual new years resolutions post… that hasn’t been seen around these parts for the past 2 or 3 years. If I had any resolutions from last year, I met them (chief among them was rebuilding the empire lol).

I’d say maybe getting my arm back together this year, but I’m not sure that’s something I can control. I took a pic of all the needles in my leg from my appointment yesterday… you can view it on twitpic… (edit: added it below so I’m not super lazy)