indeed it is American Idol.

Any hope that the boys would be better than the girls tonight was quickly squashed. ‘Shitastic’ is the adjective that comes to mind.

I have never fast forwarded thru a live show of AI so quickly as tonight. One, count it, ONE performance was decent. And that was cuz the guy sang the song (Heaven) properly and mostly in tune.

And the two words best to describe Simon are “Lame duck.” Kinda like how a president in his final year of his second term of office just sits around and waits for the next guy to be sworn in… that’s what you can tell Simon is doing. This is his farewell tour and he can’t wait for X-factor to start.

Granted, tonight he was A LOT closer to his old form (meaner) than last night. Kudos for (and you could see this coming) congratulating the one dude (blog title) for being a replacement addition to the top 24… and then telling him to enjoy it cuz he’s pretty much on the way back out.

Ellen was still the same ditz. She tried to loosen up and critique people a bit more tonight… but that doesn’t mean a damned thing if you end it every time with “But that was great.” moron. Instead of making no sense, just go back to making jokes funny woman. You added a lot more to the show then.

This season is looking like a bust. But I probably say that every year, and 2 months from now I’ll be blogging about how I want the GBer (glass blower) to win it all and that I want her to have my emo babies.

* And I almost didn’t get the Instant Analysis post up tonight, as I made my long awaited return to Lamz tonight. I’m taking on a lot more administrative crap in the coming days, and had to get things ready for what will be a weekly Saturday appearance at the studio.

If Parm is good, I’ll take him for an R-I-D-E there from time to time.

* oh, and I ran over a rabbit on the way home tonight (( that HAS to be 4x of bad luck. Looking for a rabbit charity to donate to ASAP!

Ok, this is one of those “I just had to throw something up quickly” posts.

‘throw up’ might be the key.

american idol was such a horrible awful waste of a show tonight.

simon didn’t look like he even wanted to be there. like he was nervous and just wanted to hurry up and move on to his X-factor show (with no age limits, i can audition for!).

ellen is the drizzling shits of a judge. worse than paula. she added zero to the show. and i think she only really liked one of the blonde girls because she wanted to go all lezbo on her.

and what happened to putting hot girls in the top 12? sure i expect the one or two ugly busted up teeth girls like harmonica girl…. but geez, there’s usually at least one ridonkulously hot girl, awful singer or not.

that said, I wouldn’t kick katie stevens out of bed (although legally I guess I’d have to since she’s, ummm, 17), and i would absolutely DO the glass blowing chick… but only when she’s singing, and because she has hot eyes. take away the mic and she’s just some other terrible hair dyed half emo chick. but she’s my new fav. for now.

worst performance of the night? Haley Vaughn. and yes, I had to look that up. I will just remember her as the black chick in the white lacey dress that sang like crap, and while the song escapes me now, I’m glad they announced what it was because I couldn’t understand a word she butchered sang.

best? tossup between the (glass) blower, and katie stevens (did the judges even listen to the same performance?).

Don’t tell me I’m going to have to root for a boy. Think simon is feeling good about his “it’s a girl’s year” statement?

Thanks to my gutter guards being nothing more than sloped steel, I had a quadrillion icicles (yes, had to look up how to spell them, and it still doesn’t look right). So many in fact that it looked like a frozen waterfall at times.

Meet Stanley. the Stalactite (another word i had to look up).

Stanley started with humble beginnings just over my tv/living room window of my home:

Stanley as a newborn.

But soon, Stanley began to grow. And grow.

baby stanley at night.

teenage fat assed stanley at night.

almost touching the ground if you look close.

cool "from the bottom view"... from about 6 inches off the ground. he looks so.... thin.

I knew I had a monster on my hands, when on the final day of his life, the guys that remove snow from my driveway came by after storm #83871. I looked out, and there was one guy, taking a picture.

I did what any reasonable person not obsessed with a stupid icicle would do. I grabbed my camera, and asked him to take a shot of me posing with stanley:

Me 'n Stanley.

Stanley was so big at this point (that’s what she said!) that they actually plowed around him. By this point he was mere inches away from touching the ground. After I had my photo taken, I turned to the guy taking the pic and said, “want me to get a shot of you with it (him)?” He quickly said yes.

But it wasn’t to last. Stanley had to come down. Poor Stanley. He never saw the shovel coming. He touched the lives of many (ok, two people, me and the guy shoveling).

RIP Stanley Stalactite (2010-2010).

I know what you’re thinking.  What the hell jason?  a trillion feet of snow, i know your lazy ass has nothing to do.

oh contraire.  I’ve been crazily busy with work and updating/closing Lamz for the past week.  no snow days for me as long as I have the internets.

we had to close Lamz for the entire week.  but my biggest coup was getting Lamz listed as closing on not only WJZ13’s website, but on the tv as well:

clever I am.  nothing like a little free advertising.

Unfortunately, I was not the only clever business owner out there.

When you call, you always get an intern… some interns put your closing up, some don’t…. so it becomes a game.  You also have to gauge the right time to get your listing up.  Call too early, and they’ll tell you to F off cuz they’re only listing county schools and colleges.  Call too late, and you’ll get your listing up, but only for a couple hours until they flip to closings for the next day.

I found that 10am was a good time to call.  Sometimes I’d have to call back an hour later to get someone else, but it usually wasn’t a big hassle.

This worked well Monday and Tuesday.  But by tues night, I noticed the list of closings was getting ridiculously long.  and wjz knew it.  there were soooo many tiny businesses listed as closed… martial arts schools, one-location restaurants… it was bad.

so when I called in wednesday, i got the usual internish person, and with confidence (that’s the key), told him I was reporting a closing.

me: “yeah hey I want to report a school closing.”
him: “sure no problem, and you’re all set up with us?”
me:  “uhhh, yeah.  Lamz Dance Center.  You had us up Monday and Tuesday.”
him: “ok, closing tonight?”
me:  “yeah, closing tonight and tomorrow.”
him:  “k.  what’s your password?”
(shit, he had me by the balls)
me:  ” ummmm… snowmageddon?”
him: “. . .”
me:  “uhh, we’ve never had to give a password before… you guys put us up on Monday and Tuesday no problem.”
him:  “yeah.  I’ll see what I can do.”
(click… as he hangs up on me)

so much for that brilliant idea.

more snowposts later.

* I (almost, but not quite) take back all the years I swore at the Anne Arundel County School Board or whomever makes the decision when to close schools.  Yesterday morning we had a call for 1 to 3 inches of snow to start between 2 and 5pm.  Problem is, Lamz opens at 5.  And if Saturday was any indication of how well they salt/plow roads, it could be messy.

As of noon, we were set to open, but the forecast had changed to 2 to 4 inches.  By 12:30, they upped it to 4 to 6 inches… and we made the call to close.

Of course, at 5pm I walk outside… no snow, bright sun, birds chirping, and a steady stream of water dribbling off of my house.

6pm, still nada.  Nervewracking.  By this point, Brandifer and I are praying for snow.  It finally started between 7 and 8, saving us from looking like total idiots.  I imagine we’ll hear some shit from a parent or two.

By 8:30, the road in front of my house had been salted 5 times (and yes, I counted… not hard to hear/see a truck coming with the huge assed blinking yellow lights).  I got up this morning and all the streets including the side streets were clear and black.  I’d be pissed if I had actually had a job I could call out of.  Hows about that 30 inches they’re saying could happen this weekend?  eeks.  As long as I can make it the four streets over to the super bowl party, I’m fine with it.

* I’m only looking forward for one reason, and one reason only, to watch this season of I-almost-died-as-a-child-and-now-i’m-a-single-parent Idol.

Tourettes + Live TV =’s Win.  Let’s all hope that dude makes it through hollywood week and drops some awesome F-bombs on air!  Can you imagine the signs in the audience too?

“Go Dave Mother F’n Bastard Cunt Whore Pittman!!”

“I (fucking cocksucker) Love You (asshole) Dave!!”

so many possibilities….

more mom emails.  my mommy made a funny.  I guess my dad (see accident post below) decided to venture out Saturday in the snow to pick up some free… mason jars.  for bugs.  Well turns out they weren’t so free afterall… as he ended up having to pay a tow truck $75 to get his car unmounted from humping the hill at the end of the driveway:

—– Original Message —–

From: Mom
To: Jason
Sent: Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:41 PM
Subject: Tow truck on the way

Dad called for a tow truck and it should be here in 45 minutes or so.  If they can get it out easily, it will be $75 cash.  We now have the $75 Mason jars to go with the $70 mouse.

Mom

From: Jason 
Sent: Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:44 PM
To: Mom
Subject: Re: Tow truck on the way

$70 mouse?  i forget that story.

From: Mom
To: Jason
Sent: Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:46 PM
Subject: RE: Tow truck on the way

When Dad was doing some experiment and taking blood from mice, he always wanted to return the mice to where he caught them.  When he went to return the one mouse, he got his truck stuck (the black Nissan) and had to walk for about a mile (no cell phone in those days) and get a wrecker to get him out.

So there you have it.

I want to thank all the weathermen (and women) for almost getting me killed 18 times yesterday.

I guess it was an ominous sign when I took the rat out to do #1 & 2 yesterday morning before heading out, and a lone snowflake drifted down before my eyes.  No worries though, cuz I had to hit a couple different banks and then drop off something at Lamz.  It was only supposed to be A) a light dusting, or B) maybe 2 to 3 inches, but not til the afternoon.

After bank number one, I headed down to pasadena, and it was suddenly blizzard-like conditions.  This was at 10:30am.  Bank two involved one turn off a major highway, and up and then down a hill.  I almost deposited my car in their lobby.

Please remember that my car sucks ass.  It’s backwheel drive, and a monster engine.  That means rain is even a problem.  Throw in a nice powdery snow that sticks immediately because it’s negative 15 f’n degrees outside, and I’m screwed.

So I got to Lamz, and by this time it’s really starting to come down.  I checked the forecast again, and they reiterated it was only gonna be at most a couple inches.  I even saw a couple salt trucks sitting by the sides of the road ready to go.

By this time it’s 11am when I get there, and I slid sideways into the parking spot.  Instead of being smart and dropping off a couple things and heading home, I thought it best to wait it out.  I mean, by 2pm they’d have the roads all salted and clear right?  right??  I drive all major roads home (100 and 97), and those would have to be touched first.

So 2:30 comes, and it looks like shit out.  snow everywhere, still coming down, and I have no choice but to venture home.

I survived mountain road, and feel glad I’m approaching route 100.  A pretty major road in these parts.  I get to 100… and it’s the same.  Just a couple packed down tire tracks to slide along in.  I had my own Winter Olympics Luge event.

But I manage.  I breathe a sigh of relief as I approach 97, because no way in hell that hasn’t been touched.  oh sooooo wrong I was.  Even worse, as I start to merge into 97 (which only had one passable lane), there was an accident up ahead.  at the top of a hill.  right before my exit.

and my nightmare comes true.  People stopped.  If I don’t keep the car going with some momentum, I’m stuck.  With no choice, the morons in front of me all come to a halt, and I’m forced to follow.  They start to go… and I don’t.

I sat there and spun.  and spun.  and spun.  I made marginal progress.  and we’re literally talking an inch at a time.  I flipped on my hazards as people behind me were stacking up.  Yeah, I got to be THAT GUY.

I even started rocking back in forth in my seat.  Like that was gonna help.

Inch, by inch, I slowly crept forward.  I almost gave up about 5 times.  I took my seatbelt off twice to get out and ask the cop & towtruck there for the other accident for a hand.

After about 5 to 10 minutes of this (seriously!) I crested the hill and then the car learched forward as it grabbed on to what little traction it could find.

Thank God that for some reason, the airport loop was clear (well, you could at least see the tire tracks to follow were no longer white, but tinted dark from the road peeking out below).

I stupidly took a small side road to get to my house rather than taking a slightly larger, flatter one.  Mistake.  I got halted at a red light that was, you guessed it, on an incline.  I spun again, but not as bad as on 97, and made it through.  It was kinda funny though watching people completely avoid my car and keep their distance.  They were just waiting for me to wipe out.  I just knew the conversations in their vehicles were “There he goes there he goes!! awwwww, damn.  thought for sure he lost it that time.”

I even thought about ditching the car at this point and walking home, but I slid on.

I had no vision of even attempting to get up my driveway.  So as I carefully slid around the turn, I pointed my car to block my driveway.  I got pretty close, and eased the break a little bit.  The car skid to the right, finally coming to a rest as it slammed into the curb.

but i was home.  safe & sound.  I have now decided to buy some used 4wd vehicle to tool around in.  I’ve had it with taking the beamer out in this crap.

But it could’ve been worse.   You could have been like my dad who tried to go down his (steep) driveway, and end up almost launching yourself into a ravine:

don’t worry, he was fine.  just a little (or lot) pissed.  Bonus partial shot of a wiener dog checking out the damage!

I am in posession of the FIOSes.  Fastness.  You can tell by how much more quickly you are able to read this.

I got the uber eXtreme HD package, complete with two multi-room DVRs (which means no more running to the bedroom and vice versa to watch shows)… as well as two regular boxes, and one other digital box with a guide for the guest bedroom… just in case brandifer wants to come live with me for another eleven (not twelve) days.

I totally annoyed the guy installing, since I am still keeping FraudStripe analog cable and the cable modem service (100% writeoff for all that shit now that it’s a backup).  Normally they just piggyback on the existing wiring, but he had to put all new stuff in.  sorry sucka.

but alas, I am sad.  I miss the ease of the fraudstripe channel layout.  200s were movies, 400s were hd (although only like 40 channels).

now I have a quadrillion more channels (you have to put four digits in to change the channel!! geez), with no real rhyme or reason in how they’re set.  Nearest I can figure is like 510s is the major networks, and then 800s to 900s are the smattering of HD channels.  I think.

I am screwed though when it comes to email.  For some reason none of my outgoing emails will work, not even the new verizon one.  So I can receive shit all day, just not get back to anyone.  I’m reduced to using the jasoncam gmail account if you’re important enough to get a reply.

Dbag installer couldn’t figure out my ADT either… so I lived in fear last night without an alarm, huddled and rocking in a corner.  Thank you for not breaking into my house last night.  Alarm issues were fixed today (at the rate of $150 first hour, $32 every 15 minutes thereafter)… and I even got a new code to type in.  No more 1234 easy access here thieves!

and crap, I have to put in all my DVR recordings again.  This is gonna take a while….

fair warning, this is a dog post.  so if reading about my 3 year old furry kid ain’t your thang, then quit now.

took parm to the neighbor’s sunday to watch the games.  and they have this new cat.  an evil evil cat.  no lie, just ask them.  after being unnamed for months, I guess they finally settled on Simon.  Simon Pita.  I’m not kidding when they were thinking of naming him Adolf cuz he was so mean.

Adolf Simon beats the shit out of everyone.  he likes no one.  You can get 5 pets in before the claws come out and he tries to bite you.  needless to say, he’s not a fan of parmesan.  I worry that the ratdog is going to leave missing an eye everytime I go over.

so i’m sitting on the floor in the living room near the cat, catching up with joan & ken.  parm for some reason doesn’t see the cat and gets too close.  oh the hissss and noise that came out of that confrontation.  it scared me half to death.  parm had an “of fuck” expression if that’s even possible for a dog, and ran for his life.

later we’re all downstairs watching the games, and I asked, “anyone seen parm?”  hmmmm, no dog.  so i go upstairs…. and no dog.  Joan starts to look for him.  well…. we found them.  he had wandered off to their bedroom.  and was stuck.  when we found him, he was laying on the far side of the room, ears tucked, and afraid to move.  Simon was sitting, blocking the exit.  Joan rescued a now super duper happy puppy.

at this point, some time between this experience, dinner, and the next game, Clark “Parmesan” Kent must’ve found a phone booth in their house.  As we were watching the second game, Evan was petting the devil cat, and of course, the cat got pissed and dug his claws into him.  As he grimaced and tried to remove the cat attached to his leg, Super Parm came sprinting across the room to save the day.

He went after, and I mean AFTER, Lex “Simon” Luthor with the intent to kill and protect his “Laser Light” (it’s a game) buddy.  Barks, attempts to bite… you name it, he tried it.  I had to grab him in his new found courageous moment of glory.  After that, the cat wasn’t a problem anymore.  When parm went over to him again, it was like a cartoon.  There was a puff of smoke, and the cat was gone, fleeing the scene.

Good dog.

* And just when he has his shining moments, there are, well, these.  I took him for an R-I-D-E (in case he’s reading this).  Every other time in his existance, I open up the driver’s side door, and he jumps in, and moves over.

Keep in mind this is his routine.  The seat is always to the right and he jumps up on it.  3 years he’s done this.

For no good reason, I let him in the passenger side door yesterday.  Of course, with the seat now on his left, he jumps up and high to the right… and for lack of a better word, splats on the floormat.

I won’t be doing that again.

* read this far?  how about something non-dog related.  You know you have a shopping problem when this happens:

same day I was at neighbor’s, as I walk in, they say “you know the Best Buy in Glen Burnie is closing and moving right?”

I said, yeah, they called me.

“They called you?”

well now I feel like an ass.  They had read it in the paper or something.  Turns out Best Buy did call me, and talked to me (not automated but a real live person) just to tell me that they were closed mon thru thurs, and to come friday for an exclusive two hour event for invited guests… and to see if I had any questions.

time to scale back on the best buy shopping.

I rolled into “work” this morning at the studio and have my seat behind the desk… and notice a pile of clothes.  One of my (male) teachers has this habit of coming in and stripping down before class.  Right there.  Behind the Desk.  Every time.

So Brandee moves the pile, and I see his belt.  I look at Bran and say, no way in hell could I pull off wearing that belt.

This of course leads to “let’s try.”  I happen to be sporting the Jasoncam shirt that Brandee had made for me for my birthday, and I’d been wanting to mention it here… sooooooooooo, let’s kill two birds with one stone and put up some fancy smancy pictures!

I slid on I-Love-You-Will’s blingy belt, and sporting my best pouty-face webcam pose (complete with a week’s worth of non-shaving dirt on my face from being buried behind a computer all week) and wa-lah!:

simply put, THE sexiest photo ever of me. And sadly, only downhill from here.

pouty face alert! You are checking out the belt and the awesomely cool "100% more urban" shirt... right?

smushing my lips together makes it look like I have a caterpillar on my mouth and check out that "vo-lump-ulous" butt, as per B.

never embarassed to put up craptacular photos of myself, I am.

* i planned on taking a break from the grind tonight and figured I’d watch The Hangover (true hollywood story of Jasoncam?).  So I get an error on the PS3 about needing to update.  Apparently they’ve changed the encryption (or so it tells me) on the newest blu-rays.

So all I have to do is connect the ps3 to the internets, and download the latest firmware.  simple.

only it’s been downloading the update for the past 55 minutes as I write… and it’s only 47% done.  sucks ass.  so much for a movie break.